The Psychology of Flirting

This is in support of a meetup.com social group. Individuals having real-world meetings to make new friends or to follow common interests. This particular group is about flirting and this web page is a summary of a few hours of lively debate

Focus Groups to the Rescue

This problem has been discussed by six different groups of friends and here is their insight

I went on a date. We ended up talking about the weather and what is on TV. So British!!! Wahhhhh. Men want women to appear ‘forward’ so they know that it is okay to be forward back. This is why women have to set the ball rolling, but I don’t know how to do that hence my lack of success.

Bang on, so far.

If you don’t fancy someone, you are not really flirting with them. The necessary escalation, the breaking down of barriers with that individual, is not going to happen. You want to know how to escalate, but the first question is, do you really fancy each other ?

How many people do you see each day, whom you fancy ? How many of those do you really flirt with ?

The majority of flirting is either

a) Normal social interaction. Practise it, because flirting starts with smiling and speaking to people.

b) Returned, but leads no-where. A few smiles, you are clearly aware of each other with multiple discrete looks and smiles, beyond normal social etiquette. You’ll probably think about them later. Maybe if you see each other again, or they weren’t with someone, or going in opposite directions...

c) Occasionally the initial noticing and smiling, leads to an escalation in flirting and dating. We begin to break down the barriers on a very selective one-to-one basis.

What changes a few smiles and thinking of the other person later, to an escalation ? Probably the opportunity to talk, plus social clues like wedding ring and all the things that will influence our, or his, choice. All these things could be presenting barriers, which you could overcome. How many women suspect they are not being approached, because men think they are with someone ? We can all make ourselves more approachable and easier to interact with. Like actors on a stage, with practice, it becomes easier.

What is escalation? Anything that gets us interacting in an exclusive way. If you had put your hand on the man’s arm and asked him to do something, or spoken quietly so you needed to lean closer together. Also things that might not be seen by others in a group, like signing “Do you want a drink”, becomes an intimacy. No-one else is privy to, or included in, your conversation. Also more erotic things like using a mirror to catch him watching you, then letting him know that you are watching him watching you, whilst continuing to “pose”. All these things are exclusive behaviours. He’s no longer one in the crowd. You are signalling for him to approach.

On a daily basis I get exchanges of smiles. The woman then has to signal whether she wants more. Flirting is a two-way process and shy people, without an intermediary, will never get together with other shy people. Most of my female friends say they get dozens of men trying to make contact. Pushy men will always be in your face, but what they are doing is not about flirting. It is up to women to be selective.

Here are some examples of how women, having selected a man who is returning smiles, have got him to interact with them. It’s about getting the man to realise that the woman isn’t simply being social, but has noticed him. The method is to get him to do something trivial, or for you to break the barriers physically. It’s just the start of a long process.

Girl doing needlework wanted me to help thread a needle, later to pick up a needle she had dropped. She could have done either of these things herself.

I was unceremoniously moved beside a chair to be used as a prop so a woman could stand on the chair to get something. This must be in a book somewhere, because various women have done it.

Touching, ranging from the innocent hand on arm, through subtle but not so innocent. If sat together, thigh against thigh, or leaning against someone in a crowd, or no crowd. through to bear-hug greeting. Or not subtle in any way, like coat over arm so no-one could see, then squeezing my hand, or leaning against someone with no reason, or playing footsie.

Invited to look at her. “How do I look in this?”. It puts a new spin on being dragged shopping. Standing in a doorway so your clothes appear translucent and using the opportunity to pose. Walking or moving in an exaggerated sensual way, perhaps whilst looking directly at your target. In the book Dune, the priestess just moved her hips slightly.

Getting in the way, even to the point where it becomes a comedy act. Women are built to bend one way and stick a leg out the other. It can be impossible to get to the fridge or kettle or the supermarket shelf. You can also walk in unpredicable directions. You can stop mid-pace and bend down for no apparent reason and your arms have a life of their own, for which you then have the opportunity to apologise for battering him into noticing you. If you think that's stage direction, yes. Use it!

Once the channels of communication are open, there is still a way to go. Pair bonding is exclusive. How do you know if it is exclusive ? A nice person is going to be friendly and helpful to everybody. You need to be able to take liberties that nobody else could. You might be happy about him going to the football on a Saturday, but until you’ve proved, to yourself and him, that you have power over him that no-one else has, you haven’t re-enforced that exclusive bond. Of course, he’s going to do the same to you. Now you know what is going on, it becomes fun. Flirting becomes a ritualised courtship behaviour, with rewards and encouragement but also testing each other out, by taking liberties and causing embarrassment, to build up an emotional history together. There are no rules. Men get upset when women don’t want chips, then take some of the man’s chips. What’s that really about ? Try that with a dog. Hopefully, your own.

To say bad girls get all the men, really means confident girls who are not constrained by social dogma, but are still selective. In the book Little Women, --- was told to fidget, because women who sit still never get husbands. They never get noticed. You can empower whomever you want, but first get them to notice you. Make a movement, he looks at you. Sit still, he doesn’t. It’s a game. Women who are at ease socially, will always have their pick of men. You can be as slutty and suggestive as you want, in a one-to-one communication. Women of easy virtue are actually not having sex with all the nice guys, because decent men feel very insecure, for a variety of reasons.

Women are always selecting, because flirting is a two-way thing. There will be men who come up and break the ice and there will be men whom you will have to encourage. How are you going to assess them ? Pushy men however, take advantage of our natural reactions. Will you pass the salt please? You’ve already passed it without thinking. It’s the same as the charity fund-raisers who apprehend people in the street, or door-to-door salesmen. You’ll react positively, whilst hating yourself, because you are conditioned to be social. Even your smile and laughter is automatic, it’s not really you. The behaviours of chat-up merchants mark them out as being psychopaths not capable of proper pair-bonding. All you should think of is, the gaping ear-to-ear smile, blocking you in, touching you without invitation, sitting with knees at ten to two, all the things you’ve ever read about how a man should be preening, is not flirting.

Assess what is available and if you fancy each other, if you are smiling and the social cues are good, start that socially exclusive communication. Leave your group and bump into him as he returns from the toilets. Or dare you simply catch his gaze, nod your head to an open space, then walk to it whilst looking at him ? What is he going to do !